Unconditional Love: Beyond Equality
A social psychologist recently set out to find what makes some couples happier than others. He assessed from a survey which couples were “happy” and which ones were “very happy and fulfilled”. He then interviewed them.
He found that the “happy” couples emphasized fairness. Each spouse said, “My spouse gives me as much as I give him/her.” Each person had their set of chores that they always did very well, and had an organized and systematic sharing of child-rearing responsibilities. The children reflected this equality in their interactions with each other, exchanging toys easily and taking turns to play video games. These were the happy couples. The psychologist thought, “What could be better than this?”
When he got to interviewing the “very happy and fulfilled” couples, he found that it was very hard to understand who exactly took care of what in the household. Even when he asked them about something simple, like who said, “I love you” first, they had trouble with the questions. He noticed that the children constantly compromised with each other and preferred doing activities together than simply exchanging toys. Intrigued by this, the psychologist took each spouse aside individually and asked, “Do you feel that your partner is fair with you, that you get what you deserve?” He was astonished when they both answered, “No way! I get much more than I deserve! And I can never do enough for him/her to make up for it…”
The psychologist concluded that this is how they knew that they loved each other: not in that they would get what they deserve in all fairness, but that they would, BOTH, constantly receive MORE than they deserve… that the mathematical equation didn’t add up…. that the deeper love did not know how to count and keep account.
And is that not how we are called to love? Loving without conditions is the only true way to love. Does the boss deserve the extra smile? Does the annoying neighbour deserve us lending our shovel for an extra week? Does the indifferent person deserve the extra hug? Perhaps not…but perhaps it may be the drop of love that makes that person’s heart overflow… Perhaps nobody deserves it… but then, did we deserve the cross?
“We love because he first loved us.” -1 John 4:19
